Daddy, are you angry?

That was the question my three-year old asked me as we were sitting in the pediatrician’s office.
Lately, she and her sister  have been suffering from upper respiratory infections that have made it difficult for them to sleep through the night.

“No baby, daddy is not angry.”  

Surprised, I wondered what on earth could she be thinking? What did she see? What did she hear? As a social worker and clinician, I worked with families on this very issue. Now it was beginning to look like I failed to recognize it with my own family.

“Daddy, yes you are.” 

Had I sent her to timeout too many times? Was there a look on my face that screams “NO GOLDFISH SNACKS FOR YOU!”?

If you are a parent, you’ve probably had a similar experience. Parenting is no easy task. Under the best circumstances, there will be times when you won’t operate at your best. You will be tired and you will be stressed. Thats okay. We take what we know, what we’ve learned from our parents and hope for the best.

Your children are sensitive to your moods and emotions. Their functioning depends on that of their parents. For example, if you have ever observed children from homes where there is a lot of fighting and conflict, you will notice that they appear to be on edge and unsure of themselves. They are constantly trying to gauge  the environment around them.

I shared this exchange with a colleague and his response helped to ease my guilt. He explained to me that my daughter was simply noticing that I am not my usual self. As a matter of fact, I was going on three weeks fighting a terrible sinus infection with headaches, sinus congestion, and overall fatigue. My daughter observed that I was smiling less and not playing with her like I usually do. In hindsight, I can see the logic in her reasoning. She noticed that daddy was different and the best way for her to describe it was “Daddy is angry.”

If you find that you are losing your temper with your children, take a moment to examine what’s causing it. Are you tired or sick? Afterwards, do something about it. Do you need to cut back a little at work? Maybe cut back a lot and take a vacation. Talk to the people who know you best. Perhaps they have noticed something different about you lately. As for my case, I’m happy to report that my infection is pretty much gone and my kids have their daddy back.